


dredged up for the night

by littlelooneyluna



Category: robron
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide Mention, Canon Compliant, M/M, Pillow Talk, You May Cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 04:26:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: “There. Okay? You nearly fucking got gassed to death and that’s how I tried to die.”Robert’s eyes turn glassy and he holds a hand across his mouth for a second before he speaks. “I didn’t even connect the dots that way.”





	dredged up for the night

**Author's Note:**

> for haley <333

There’s Robert’s mug on the side of the bed, a massive printed R in gold patterned red stars scattered inside. Aaron thinks about it breaking and knows how dark his mind has ended up. 

Robert’s sleeping, breath slow and harsh and Aaron’s got his head against his chest so he can hear him better. So he can know that he’s alive.

He’s not been taken from him, like  _that_.

There’s a beating in his chest, it doesn’t stop because his mind won’t stop working fucking over time now that Robert is here, sleeping soundly, doing well. 

Now, Aaron can have moment. Alone. 

He can lean over and stroke Robert’s arm, kiss his head, hold his hand the way he did with Liv. He can close his eyes and overthink and hate himself for not being there with him. 

Because if he wasn’t there, he could have died. 

It’s as simple as fucking that.

Robert makes this small sound and turns over so that he’s facing Aaron and it only makes it worse. He’s got a cut on his head doesn’t he? He looks almost so broken that Aaron’s thinking of him laying on the floor, shot wound, having the nerve to try and die on him before they’d made up.

Aaron leans out, pulls a hand across Robert’s face and blows out a shaky breath. 

“If you died like that.” Aaron bites his lip, shakes his head as he speaks because he can’t control it. He just can’t. “I wouldn’t have been able to — not like  _that_.”

He closes his eyes, the confession weighs him down.

 

 

 

••

Aaron’s got half his body under the covers when Robert decides tonight is the night when the questions will start rolling in.

It’s been nearly a week and they’ve been fine but apparently not fine enough because Robert’s in the mood to dredge up shit that makes Aaron want to cry.

“I’ve stopped checking it every night.” Robert says, head towards the ceiling, tilted, eyes widening a little because it’s so dark in here now.

Aaron’s grateful for that. He doesn’t want Robert seeing him huff out a breath and brace himself for what’s coming next.

“That’s progress, right?” Robert says, and Aaron reaches out, pulls a hand under Robert’s grotty old bed shirt and rubs his stomach in this oddly comforting way. 

“Of course it is.” Aaron whispers, face pressing into Robert’s neck, still stroking. He reckons that if he makes this all about how Robert is coping than it won’t be turned back on him. 

Or the fact that Robert might check the boiler every night but so does he. 

“What about you?” Robert says after the longest time in the world. He holds his breath and Aaron feels the up and down of his husband’s breathing dramatically slow down as he keeps the hand against his stomach. 

He feels his throat close.

“What about me?” Aaron says, blinks out a smile that doesn’t meet his eyes but it’s supposed to add lightness to his tone of voice.

It has.

Hopefully.

Robert pulls himself up on the bed. Light on and everything. It clearly hasn’t had the desired effect then.

“Aaron, coming home to us like that must have been —“ Robert stops himself, he’s all bed hair floppy against his forehead and worn eyes and concern. “The worst thing.”

Aaron sort of wants to wallop him and hug him at the same time.

“You could say that.” 

“Well why don’t you.” Robert offers, quick, eyes flickering though and giving away the fact that he’s probably had this conversation in his head for way too long before now. 

“Why don’t I what?” Aaron can feel the edges of an argument happening at nearly half eleven at night so that’s a fucking great sign. 

There’s splinters of it breaking out and all he can think about is that Robert probably has meetings in the morning and Seb’s too tired for this shit so he’ll scream the house down if they dare to wake him.

It rises inside him until Robert does his stupid shrug and then opens his mouth.

“Why don’t you  _say_  what it was like.” 

And Aaron doesn’t need this.

“Why?” Aaron decides on saying the answer with the least syllables. 

“Because — because it might help.” Robert waves a hand out. “I got out of that hospital and it was all about me. And then Liv was making it all about Lachlan and I didn’t — I should have listened to how you felt about it.” Robert looks genuinely sorry for what he’s done, like he’s actually done something wrong and Aaron doesn’t know how to react to that.

So he doesn’t. He just folds his arms over and waits for him to gather his thoughts.

“You have … you have nothin’ to be sorry for.” Aaron says, decides that more soft touches over Robert’s arm will be enough to ease the slight tension in the room. “Alright? Listen it, it was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to see in my life. Finding both of you like that, thinking Seb was — but it happened, and we’re all fine okay?” 

Robert stares, like he’s waiting to say something but then Aaron kisses him and yeah, he’s still got it. He gets Robert all caught up in it and soon he’s able to reach behind and turn the light off.

He thinks he’s won but he hasn’t because Robert still has more to say, skin against skin, eyes wide and sad.

“You said, not like that. I couldn’t die like that.” 

He has to ruin it.

Aaron frowns, thinks about bluffing his way through it. “Huh?” 

“The night I came back from the hospital, you kept saying it when you thought I was asleep.” Robert looks worried again. Fuck.

“I don’t — I don’t remember, I probably didn’t —“ Aaron fumbles and Robert catches him.

“You said it. I just want to know why.” Robert says, “It’s been on my mind and —“

“Well don’t let it be.” 

“Aaron.”

“Seriously Rob.” Aaron almost pleads but it’s too late because he’s already thinking about it again isn’t he?

The gas, the smell, the way it all seemed like some cruel fucking trick on him by someone nasty up there.

“Like that? Like, like what —“

“Like how I tried to end it all.” Aaron says, slams it down hard against Robert’s chest like he’s let off a grenade.

His chin wobbles and there’s tears falling down his face and —

“There. Okay? You nearly fucking got gassed to death and that’s how I tried to die.” 

Robert’s eyes turn glassy and he holds a hand across his mouth for a second before he speaks. “I didn’t even connect the dots that way.”

Aaron makes himself smaller, shudders. “I got this really bad flashback when I waiting for you to wake up. So vivid. I haven’t — I haven’t had one like that for years.” He holds his hands together because they’re being stupid and shaking about. “But it all came flooding back because of the —“

“Smell, yeah.” Aaron’s eyes flicker as he hears Robert, he’s gulping hard and sighing. “Aaron, I’m so sorry.”

He’s sorry and he shouldn’t be, an original screenplay by Robert Sugden.

“It ain’t your fault.” Aaron says. “It was just a shock, and it made things go dark again.” Robert looks seriously at him and Aaron sighs. “I didn’t do anything don’t worry.”

“But I do.” Robert says, terrified always of the worst.

Aaron offers a small smile, lets Robert untangle his hands and hold them. 

“It’s my job. So when you said what you said, I didn’t know what to think.”

Aaron bites his lip, unhooks his hands to wipe them across his face. “Imagine you did die like that.”

“Aaron.”

“No really.” Aaron’s voice breaks a little. “Imagine if my husband died the way I wanted to all those years ago  _because_  the thought of having a husband made me feel sick.” It sounds so bad that he winces. “That’s why you couldn’t die that way, it’d be karma and I’d hate myself for —“

Robert hovers a hand over Aaron’s shoulder, his eyes are wide because sometimes the way Aaron thinks is scary. “It wouldn’t have been your fault at all.” He says. “So stop all that.” 

Aaron feels him brush a hand across his face, tries smiling again. 

“I’m sorry.” Aaron whispers, and then his eyes are wide and sad again. “I was so scared about losing ya.” He admits. “You know that right?”

“Of course I do.” Robert says. “You slept on that hospital bed all night. No ones ever done that for me.” He turns all red the way he usually does when he’s embarrassed.

Aaron loves him.

“Only me.” Aaron whispers.

“Only you.” Robert brings their faces together, and then their mouths and Aaron really loves him.

“I love you.” Aaron has this soft look in his eye that Robert falls apart under. “I should have told you, we said we’d talk through everything didn’t we? I was just scared to talk about it, make it even more real you know?” Robert nods understandingly and Aaron feels his shoulders relax a little under it. 

“But you’re … you’re okay now?” Robert’s hesitant and Aaron holds his hand and decides to be a sap about it all because it’s too late to turn back now.

“You’re here aren’t ya?” 

Oh yeah, all the cheese he can muster.

It earns him a big Prince Charming smile from Robert and he loves him a whole lot by the way. 

So he kisses him, and they kiss some more until they’re laying back down again.

“Hey,” Robert whispers, hand across Aaron’s chest now. “You know how gas was always linked to what you tried to do to yourself back then?” Aaron doesn’t know where exactly he’s going with this but he nods all the same. “Well. Now it’s linked with you saving my life right?”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just sort of tries to process what he’s saying and Robert carries on.

“You were saved. Then you saved me. You were saved to save me,  _if_ we’re being cheesy.” Robert smiles and Aaron looks up at him. “Or not.” He panics slightly and then Aaron’s yanking him by the shirt and pulling him down to kiss him again.

“You, are very good with words.” Aaron has something stuck in his throat because all of that made a load of mushy sense didn’t it? 

“Yeah?” And sometimes Aaron doesn’t get how Robert doesn’t get how good he is at making him feel better.

“Yeah.” Aaron whispers, clings tighter and closer and relishes in the fact that every memory is changing meaning in his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is always welcome!


End file.
